So things have been a bit crazy for the past couple of weeks. It was the peak and hopefully soon the end, of the rainy season here in Japan, which means that the weather has been soooo humid. I have been having a lot of obsessions, which is difficult. But at least now I recognize that they are just something that are happening in my mind. They aren't real. And knowing that helps.
Today has been the first day in two weeks that has been better. Yesterday I was thinking about death a lot. Not in a depressed sort of way, but that is an obsession sometimes. I imagine what would happen if I died, or my family, or people that I work with. And I imagine all the future possibilities of that happening. I wonder what would happen next, like would my mother come to Japan? Or how my body would get home? And what if it happened under suspicious circumstances? Would my family have trouble communicating with the Japanese police? And on and on and on...
But luckily, I know that none of this is real. And I can remind myself about that. So it helps.
I am looking forward to the end of the first term at school. But I always feel nervous about a change in schedules. In addition, from spring to the rainy season, and soon to summer, is making for a lot of seasonal change as well, which I always find hard to handle. I don't even think about it. My body just responds, and then I think I have something majorly wrong with me. And then I get scared.
But today is better. I am not scared. I am not particularly obsessive. And I have been somewhat productive...with some things. So, these are good things.
I am looking toward the future with optimism.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Support for Raging Horrormoans
Hello Everyone!
I just wanted to thank everybody who has taken a look at my book and website so far.
http://www.sensoryintegrate.com
I really appreciate your support.
I am still thinking alot about what to do next, probably thinking too much as usual. I am happy to have finished Raging Horrormoans, but there is so much more I want to write. And that I am writing. Organization is just so difficult for me. And I don't want to just write 1 book...I want to write like, a hundred books (at least!) I want to be like Noam Chomsky and just producing books all the time. I don't know how he is able to write so much. I guess it's because he's able to get it organized. And somehow stay focused on a topic until it's finished.
So I really have no idea about marketing or selling or any of that. But I'm learning a little bit.
I just wanted to thank everybody who has taken a look at my book and website so far.
http://www.sensoryintegrate.com
I really appreciate your support.
I am still thinking alot about what to do next, probably thinking too much as usual. I am happy to have finished Raging Horrormoans, but there is so much more I want to write. And that I am writing. Organization is just so difficult for me. And I don't want to just write 1 book...I want to write like, a hundred books (at least!) I want to be like Noam Chomsky and just producing books all the time. I don't know how he is able to write so much. I guess it's because he's able to get it organized. And somehow stay focused on a topic until it's finished.
So I really have no idea about marketing or selling or any of that. But I'm learning a little bit.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
New Book Available!
Hello everyone.
The book is finally finished. I have approved it for distribution, and am just waiting on approval from the ISBN something or other. Then it will go into books in print. After that, it will hopefully become available on Amazon.com, along with other online booksites.
In the mean time, it is available from the sight where I published. I ordered each of the proof copies from them, and I never had any problems. I was also satisfied with each of the books I got. For more details, go to my new and improved website: www.sensoryintegrate.com
Yes, the new website is up, and it appears to be running smoothly. Please feel free to join the forums (yes, forums!) and ask questions or just drop in and say hello. Let me know what you think.
Will keep you updated.
The book is finally finished. I have approved it for distribution, and am just waiting on approval from the ISBN something or other. Then it will go into books in print. After that, it will hopefully become available on Amazon.com, along with other online booksites.
In the mean time, it is available from the sight where I published. I ordered each of the proof copies from them, and I never had any problems. I was also satisfied with each of the books I got. For more details, go to my new and improved website: www.sensoryintegrate.com
Yes, the new website is up, and it appears to be running smoothly. Please feel free to join the forums (yes, forums!) and ask questions or just drop in and say hello. Let me know what you think.
Will keep you updated.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Update
Things are busy. I have just nearly finished revamping my webpage at www.sensoryintegrate.com, which will be available after Raging Horrormoans is published, hopefully within the next month or so. It took me a week of working nonstop. I thought it would take six months. It was a huge project for me, but I'm relatively happy with the way it came out. I will publish a notice here when it's up and running.
As far as everything else goes, I am just not thinking too much beyond one thing at a time. Although, I can see some exciting possibilities for the future, I am trying not to follow the path in my mind, which no matter how exciting, always leads to the inevitable imaginary trainwreck. So, I am just waiting, and living my life in the mean time. I think this is the best way.
I'm also reading The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman, and although I wasn't sure I'd be able to get into it, I am nearly half way through it. It's really interesting, and is giving me a lot of ideas about the world.
Just this update is all for now.
As far as everything else goes, I am just not thinking too much beyond one thing at a time. Although, I can see some exciting possibilities for the future, I am trying not to follow the path in my mind, which no matter how exciting, always leads to the inevitable imaginary trainwreck. So, I am just waiting, and living my life in the mean time. I think this is the best way.
I'm also reading The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman, and although I wasn't sure I'd be able to get into it, I am nearly half way through it. It's really interesting, and is giving me a lot of ideas about the world.
Just this update is all for now.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
No more thinking...
So things have been better overall today. Rereading the post I wrote this morning, things looked pretty dismal.
In truth though, that was an expression of my feelings. It is not what is actually happening in the real world. In the real world, I have been getting up every day and going to work. I have been teaching my classes, and fulfilling all my commitments with the karate and the judo. I have been grocery shopping, and I have taken time for leisurely reading. Overall, I have been sleeping well.
Although I have not been able to get done everything I would like to get done, which is really quite an extensive list, I have been productive. I always set my goals and my sights higher than I can reach, and that is often a cause for frustration. This is a drive that comes from inside me.
Grant it, although I have remained able to live my regular life, it has been overshadowed, by the emotional racing and train wreckage that I described in the earlier post. And since I feel better at the moment, I can't really remember what that feels like in order to describe it--even though it was just yesterday when I was not feeling so good.
It really is strange not to remember feelings. When I'm feeling good, I know what it feels like to feel good. When I'm feeling bad, I know what it feels like to feel bad. But I do not know what it feels like if I am not currently feeling that way. If I think real hard, I can sometimes remember inklings of certain feelings, but I can't really remember. This is a good thing if I have become happy after feeling badly. This is a bad thing if I feel badly, but can't remember what it feels like to feel good.
When I think about this, I feel like I must be strange not to know what being happy feels like. Or what being sad feels like. Very strange. But it is the way I am. And I do know what those things are when I experience them. So that is good. And I guess that this is one example of how I live my life in the moment.
But for now, I am working not to think too hard. Not to plan too much. And just go with the flow and let the future come. I feel better now than in awhile, and I am hoping to get and stay on an even keel.
No more thinking.
In truth though, that was an expression of my feelings. It is not what is actually happening in the real world. In the real world, I have been getting up every day and going to work. I have been teaching my classes, and fulfilling all my commitments with the karate and the judo. I have been grocery shopping, and I have taken time for leisurely reading. Overall, I have been sleeping well.
Although I have not been able to get done everything I would like to get done, which is really quite an extensive list, I have been productive. I always set my goals and my sights higher than I can reach, and that is often a cause for frustration. This is a drive that comes from inside me.
Grant it, although I have remained able to live my regular life, it has been overshadowed, by the emotional racing and train wreckage that I described in the earlier post. And since I feel better at the moment, I can't really remember what that feels like in order to describe it--even though it was just yesterday when I was not feeling so good.
It really is strange not to remember feelings. When I'm feeling good, I know what it feels like to feel good. When I'm feeling bad, I know what it feels like to feel bad. But I do not know what it feels like if I am not currently feeling that way. If I think real hard, I can sometimes remember inklings of certain feelings, but I can't really remember. This is a good thing if I have become happy after feeling badly. This is a bad thing if I feel badly, but can't remember what it feels like to feel good.
When I think about this, I feel like I must be strange not to know what being happy feels like. Or what being sad feels like. Very strange. But it is the way I am. And I do know what those things are when I experience them. So that is good. And I guess that this is one example of how I live my life in the moment.
But for now, I am working not to think too hard. Not to plan too much. And just go with the flow and let the future come. I feel better now than in awhile, and I am hoping to get and stay on an even keel.
No more thinking.
Train Wreck
So things have been a bit noisy in my mind lately. All the trains are zooming along the tracks, which are created ad infinitum in my mind. I just keep thinking of all the possibilities, watching them play out, and when there is a wreck, which there often is with all these trains criss-crossing everywhere, I react to it, like it is something that is actually happened, and before I know it, I find myself following a path that does not exist, and ruining things in my life that actually do exist. Then I feel really stupid and confused. First of all, I don't even know how I got to that strange place I'm standing in, with all these smoking train engines around me, which I can feel the burning heat from, but do not even know if they are real or not.
When this happens, I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't know what's real and what is not, and I my mind perceives that it is all real. I just want to cry and cry. And then I don't ever want anything to change in my life again.
Sometimes this all happens because of some bio-chemical thing inside me. Other times it is environmental. I think this time it was a combination.
An old school year ended in March, which is when my troubles started up again. A new one started in April, at which time my troubles continued. It is now May first, and I feel like they hit their height this past week. In that case, hopefully things will be settling down soon. But for the past couple of months, I have not felt like myself. I have felt like something is off in my system, which I know that allergies played a large role. And I caught 2 colds and a stomach flu already this year. For someone who rarely gets sick, these were my red flags. I have also had unbelievable sensory issues. These in and of themselves have kept me from many activities that I had been functioning in.
So all these things creates, or were born out of imbalance. I have been having greater and greater trouble concentrating, staying focused, and I find that I have rarely been on task. I can't make any sort of plans without running into something of a train wreck like I described above, because I really do not know what's real and what is not. I forget what I can control and that which I have not control over. I find myself feel lost, confused, and dysfunctional.
I want people to leave me alone, and yet, I want to know that they are there. I want them to just wait. I know from experience that I will be okay, but I also know that it may take some time. This is hard to explain to people.
But then, I just want to be okay. I want to feel like myself, and I just want to be able to live my life without worrying about tomorrow, without feeling like I need to plan for the future. I think planning is a great idea, but it's a dumb idea for me, especially when I am feeling like I have been recently.
I think one thing about the future, and before I know it, I have thought ten things, then a hundred, a thousand, and so on. Then I have a whole speeding railroad, a pile of trainwrecks on my hands--well in my head actually.
And this is not a convenient place for a trainwreck. I just want the trains to slow down and then just disappear. They are not real in this world. They do not exist.
I want to just live my life one day, one moment at a time. And that is my biggest challenge right now.
I went to judo last night, and I am feeling much better this morning. Because of all the stuff that had been going on in my body, I couldn't go for a couple of weeks, and it really makes an incredible difference. I feel like if I could just practice every day, 365 days a year, and if I could avoid all the problems that I often experience, then I would be okay.
When I am practicing, I never want to stop. When I stop, even for such a short time, it sometimes takes me awhile to remember that I like it again, even though it's the thing I love the most.
This is the strange thing about not being able to remember emotion. Luckily, I just remember that I like it, even though I can't really remember what it feels like beyond a couple of days after practice. I just try to remind myself that I will remember when I get there. And inevitably, most of the time I do. But, the ability to actually know ahead of time is lost somewhere. This has just been so important for so long.
Well, this is what is going on for now. And I am hoping to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I just hope that it won't be an oncoming train...
When this happens, I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't know what's real and what is not, and I my mind perceives that it is all real. I just want to cry and cry. And then I don't ever want anything to change in my life again.
Sometimes this all happens because of some bio-chemical thing inside me. Other times it is environmental. I think this time it was a combination.
An old school year ended in March, which is when my troubles started up again. A new one started in April, at which time my troubles continued. It is now May first, and I feel like they hit their height this past week. In that case, hopefully things will be settling down soon. But for the past couple of months, I have not felt like myself. I have felt like something is off in my system, which I know that allergies played a large role. And I caught 2 colds and a stomach flu already this year. For someone who rarely gets sick, these were my red flags. I have also had unbelievable sensory issues. These in and of themselves have kept me from many activities that I had been functioning in.
So all these things creates, or were born out of imbalance. I have been having greater and greater trouble concentrating, staying focused, and I find that I have rarely been on task. I can't make any sort of plans without running into something of a train wreck like I described above, because I really do not know what's real and what is not. I forget what I can control and that which I have not control over. I find myself feel lost, confused, and dysfunctional.
I want people to leave me alone, and yet, I want to know that they are there. I want them to just wait. I know from experience that I will be okay, but I also know that it may take some time. This is hard to explain to people.
But then, I just want to be okay. I want to feel like myself, and I just want to be able to live my life without worrying about tomorrow, without feeling like I need to plan for the future. I think planning is a great idea, but it's a dumb idea for me, especially when I am feeling like I have been recently.
I think one thing about the future, and before I know it, I have thought ten things, then a hundred, a thousand, and so on. Then I have a whole speeding railroad, a pile of trainwrecks on my hands--well in my head actually.
And this is not a convenient place for a trainwreck. I just want the trains to slow down and then just disappear. They are not real in this world. They do not exist.
I want to just live my life one day, one moment at a time. And that is my biggest challenge right now.
I went to judo last night, and I am feeling much better this morning. Because of all the stuff that had been going on in my body, I couldn't go for a couple of weeks, and it really makes an incredible difference. I feel like if I could just practice every day, 365 days a year, and if I could avoid all the problems that I often experience, then I would be okay.
When I am practicing, I never want to stop. When I stop, even for such a short time, it sometimes takes me awhile to remember that I like it again, even though it's the thing I love the most.
This is the strange thing about not being able to remember emotion. Luckily, I just remember that I like it, even though I can't really remember what it feels like beyond a couple of days after practice. I just try to remind myself that I will remember when I get there. And inevitably, most of the time I do. But, the ability to actually know ahead of time is lost somewhere. This has just been so important for so long.
Well, this is what is going on for now. And I am hoping to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I just hope that it won't be an oncoming train...
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